Day 5 - Meditation Course - Westerners Rebel

Day 5 was the worst day of the course for me. The whole point of meditation is to quiet your mind. My mind was participating in what Buddhists call “Monkey Mind.” Monkey mind is when your mind won’t quiet and it just jumps from one subject to the next.

It was 1pm and I had just sat down for the 1pm-230pm session. In the six hours of morning meditation sessions I had already thought of everything – planned Julian’s 30th bday party, planned a new 90 day exercise routine for my mom that included clubbing, decided I was going to be an actress, planned out over and over again until I was happy what my Oscar acceptance speech would be(speech included sawing the Oscar into 4 parts). I thought there was nothing left for me to think about. When I sat down for the 1pm session I was ready to focus.

1:03pm – Oscar speech again.

1:04pm - Massively annoyed with my brain that it was not only not focusing, but it was going for the same thought over again (when it was a weird thought in the first place).

1:04pm and 30 seconds – Out the door of the meditation hall, I had had enough.

I walked around the front of the meditation hall where there was a part of the porch that you could dangle your legs over. No one was really supposed to be there because it was an area men and women could get to and we were supposed to stay separated…but there was no one out there. It was so sunny and nice out, felt like summer, like we should be BBQing, drinking high life and swimming in a pool in Sacramento or something. Didn’t feel like the kind of summer day you should be stuck on the top of a hill in Sri Lanka with your eyes shut all day. I decided to just sit down and relax.

Back story: I was a little self conscience about the pants I was wearing because they came to the mid calf which wasn’t really appropriate for the monks but I saw another woman wearing short pants so, because it was so sunny out that day, I decided to wear them.

In my moment of freedom I pulled my already short pants up over my knees, took my hair down, dangled my legs over the edge and leaned back against the wall. It felt so good – just thinking about how tan my shins were getting and how blonde my hair was getting - I was so happy. Too get a better angle on the sun I pulled my legs up and sat with my feet on the ground, legs spread out. I heard my Mom’s voice in my head, “now that is not a very lady like way to sit.” I didn’t care, it felt amazing and I felt free for the first time in five days. I felt like I was on vacation.

At that moment I saw a white flash out of the corner of my eye, someone from the men’s side had come around the bend. I didn’t look over because I was like, “Enjoy the moment Heather, and don’t let anyone ruin it for you.”

Thirty seconds later the Teachers helper came outside and hustled me up saying something over and over again that I didn’t understand until the third or fourth time. “You’re too fair to wear those pants, the men can see you, see your legs, you’re too fair, come over this way.” She instructed me that my pants were a little inappropriate and I was to stay behind the covered part of the porch and not go where the men could see my fair skin, because as if I didn’t hear it the ten times she said it before I was too fair. She rushed back into the hall.

I slouched over on the covered part of the porch, trying to decide if I felt bad or not. I did, but I was also so disappointed that my hair was in the shade and was no longer getting blonde. I stopped thinking about it and just stood there staring into nothingness - exhausted and bored by my reality.

That is, until I saw the unthinkable happen. There were two cute young boys in the whole retreat (no Julian I wasn’t looking, remember I had my eyes shut 13+ hours a day. But with nothing to do you just analyze everyone, and I noticed these two 25 or 26 year old cute, euro surfer boys). As I was staring into my nothingness I saw one of them appear below walking towards the male sleeping quarters. He had a spring in his step I hadn’t seen before and he looked so happy. I followed him down the trail. He went into the dorms and came out with his backpack on. He must be moving rooms I thought, but why now? Then I saw his friend come out the dorm below with his backpack, straw hat and Nike high tops on. Their smiles were so big. You could hear their conversation faintly from the porch. They were laughing and talking. ‘NO TALKING! Nobel silence boys, noble silence!! They can’t be leaving, are they leaving? They can’t be.’ They marched down to the office. I heard the office manager say, you can’t leave until tomorrow morning and I heard the boys negotiating back. ‘Could they really be leaving? Just like that? Giving up? I know is hard, but the teachers say it can take the full ten days to get a grasp of your mind and quiet it. They said it over and over again. Did the boys not listen? Was it not true? TAKE ME WITH YOU, TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!! You guys look like you are going to have so much fun. Are you going surfing? Are you going to go to a party on the beach? I WANNA GO!! I WANNA GO – CAN I GO WITH YOU PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEE!!’ I watched their every move trying to decide what was happening. They had moved under an awning so I could only see their feet but I stared for hints to what was happening.

‘You can’t leave Heather, go back inside the meditation hall and stop watching this. Go on, stop watching. I know you will never know how it was when they left, you’ll never know if a cab came for them or if they decided to walk the 8 miles back into town or if the manager drove him off the hill himself. Go sit down in the hall. Take your fair legs and go inside.’

I really really didn’t want to go inside, but I dragged myself down into my little mat. I sat down, closed my eyes and started to monkey mind my way through how I would find out what happened and how it felt to just up and leave like that. After three hours of deliberation I decided a missed connection on Craigslist was the best way to connect with them after the course ended. Someone would see it and tell them right? How many surfer boys in the world were at a meditation retreat in Sri Lanka that week – ya know?

That day was sooooooo hard, and it only got harder. Flash forward six hours from then I realized I was sitting in the meditation hall with my shirt undone, bra showing – but that story is for another day. I gotta go meditate before I go to bed. Nite Nite.