Hi, I love you

I’m sitting in my hotel room in Kandy – feeling a little lonely after ten days of hanging out with people nonstop. But I guess loneliness is sorta what I set out for, coming on a three month trip alone. Sometimes you go on trips looking for love, but not this time. For me I guess I came looking for the limits of love. It’s like we are all born when and where we are born and that reality affects all of who we are forever. But is it not true that we could have all been born somewhere else to somebody elses parents and we would love and worry about them just as much as we do our own now? What does that mean about the random man sleeping on my shoulder on the bus? Technically if I was born into his family instead of my own he would be my brother? Because of that should I not worry about it and just let him sleep on my shoulder, or because I have never met him before should I not feel any love towards him and only worry about whether or not he will drool on me.

It’s a complicated question and I can’t say I am finding any answers - only more questions. Okay, so don’t we all love kids? Like when you see a kid, no matter the country they are from, the language they speak, the amount of money they have, don’t we all just feel like, you’re a precious little baby and want to snuggle with them? So my question is – what happens to that love when it is baby plus three or five decades? It’s like sometimes you get those flashes of understanding – like you will see a random man eating an ice cream and you heart just beats an extra beat because there is something so sweet about it. Or when you can’t help but pat somebody on the back who is crying even though you don’t know them and you know it will be awkward. That is that baby love I think, the we are all in this together love.

But then there is also that unexplainable type of connection that is way more than an extra beat of the heart or a pat on the back. It is like upon meeting someone, instantly, it’s like you always knew that person. A lot of my best friends, my friends for life, I felt that way when I met them. It’s like no process of trust or finding out “what they do” or “where they’re from,” it’s just like boom. Sometimes it can actually be pretty awkward because it’s a little embarrassing to be like – Hi, I love you. I remember the first time I spoke to Mimi on the phone, just a week or so after meeting her, I said to her upon hanging up – “Okay bye, talk to you later – I love you!” It was SO awkward. I quickly said, “Opps, sorry, I mean, I’m just used to saying that to my parents and boyfriend etc.” She really laughed and then so normally said, “Love you too, bye!” When I hung up I felt like I wanted to crawl under my bed, but I also just felt like - well…it is kinda true, I do sorta feel like I love her. It makes me nervous/embarrassed to just recall it, but it is also so sweet to feel that way about strangers.

Even though I have only been gone for three weeks I have felt like that twice, I think I have made two friends for life. Yesterday in the shower I was thinking about how fun it was going to be to have Vositha come to my wedding someday and later that day when we were racing around Colombo in a three wheeler she turned to me and pronounced, “I’ll be coming to your wedding someday,” and flashed a grin at me. I smiled back, felt a little shy and was like, “I thought about that this morning. You are totally coming.”

Later that day I was talking to my new friend Akmel who is the Sri Lankan version of my high school friend Achilles. He knows everything about Sri Lanka and was helping me make my travel plans. We got talking about his family and he was telling me about how all six of his brothers and sisters are married and his family is sort of waiting on him to get married but he wasn’t really ready to yet. I tried to tell him twenty five years old was way young to get married and not to worry about it. It was sorta quiet and he was like, “Maybe you can come to my wedding when it happens.” I sorta blushed and was like, “Okay – I TOTALLY want to! ” We both laughed, sorta embarrassed.

For someone with so many of my own issues about marriage, weddings that day just made me feel like the world was going to be okay no matter what. It just makes me think, if I can set out on a journey with six outfits and a journal to a tiny island in the Indian Ocean and three weeks later I've met two of those instant friends, what else is out there in this big world?

Perseverance - six years after the tsunami

So I just got back from spending a few days in the southern part of Sri Lanka. I was in a beach town called Unawatuna. Unawatuna was hit hard by the Tsunami on December 26, 2004. Everybody in the town has a story. I met this man who sells fruit on the beach in Unawatuna, people call him Uncle.

His story: (Story a little vague due to language barriers)
During the Tsunami his mother was killed by a falling building, he was there but could not help her out. He helped many other people find safety during that terrible time. He has severe PTSD because of the events and has spent nine months in a mental hospital and is now on medicine that is helping him a lot. He sees his mothers ghost everyday. He takes trips to go see monks and pay respect to them in honor of his mother, this is said to help free her spirit to move on. His hands are still shaking from the terror he saw but he hopes that in the coming months with the medicine and the help of Buddha things will get better. He makes his living on the beach by selling fruit. He has a really sweet presence and is determined to persevere.

Meet Vositha Wijenayake!!

Meet Vositha Wijenayake - my new friend! Vositha is a 25 year old woman who lives in Colombo (Sri Lanka's biggest city). She is just completing her studies as a law student and is the national coordinator for the Sri Lanka Youth Climate Action Network (SLYCAN). SLYVAN is a national network that educates and engages Sri Lankan youth about the climate change. We have been traveling all over Sri Lanka to meet with people who are working on different aspects of climate change! Stories to come!

Day 5 - Meditation Course - Westerners Rebel

Day 5 was the worst day of the course for me. The whole point of meditation is to quiet your mind. My mind was participating in what Buddhists call “Monkey Mind.” Monkey mind is when your mind won’t quiet and it just jumps from one subject to the next.

It was 1pm and I had just sat down for the 1pm-230pm session. In the six hours of morning meditation sessions I had already thought of everything – planned Julian’s 30th bday party, planned a new 90 day exercise routine for my mom that included clubbing, decided I was going to be an actress, planned out over and over again until I was happy what my Oscar acceptance speech would be(speech included sawing the Oscar into 4 parts). I thought there was nothing left for me to think about. When I sat down for the 1pm session I was ready to focus.

1:03pm – Oscar speech again.

1:04pm - Massively annoyed with my brain that it was not only not focusing, but it was going for the same thought over again (when it was a weird thought in the first place).

1:04pm and 30 seconds – Out the door of the meditation hall, I had had enough.

I walked around the front of the meditation hall where there was a part of the porch that you could dangle your legs over. No one was really supposed to be there because it was an area men and women could get to and we were supposed to stay separated…but there was no one out there. It was so sunny and nice out, felt like summer, like we should be BBQing, drinking high life and swimming in a pool in Sacramento or something. Didn’t feel like the kind of summer day you should be stuck on the top of a hill in Sri Lanka with your eyes shut all day. I decided to just sit down and relax.

Back story: I was a little self conscience about the pants I was wearing because they came to the mid calf which wasn’t really appropriate for the monks but I saw another woman wearing short pants so, because it was so sunny out that day, I decided to wear them.

In my moment of freedom I pulled my already short pants up over my knees, took my hair down, dangled my legs over the edge and leaned back against the wall. It felt so good – just thinking about how tan my shins were getting and how blonde my hair was getting - I was so happy. Too get a better angle on the sun I pulled my legs up and sat with my feet on the ground, legs spread out. I heard my Mom’s voice in my head, “now that is not a very lady like way to sit.” I didn’t care, it felt amazing and I felt free for the first time in five days. I felt like I was on vacation.

At that moment I saw a white flash out of the corner of my eye, someone from the men’s side had come around the bend. I didn’t look over because I was like, “Enjoy the moment Heather, and don’t let anyone ruin it for you.”

Thirty seconds later the Teachers helper came outside and hustled me up saying something over and over again that I didn’t understand until the third or fourth time. “You’re too fair to wear those pants, the men can see you, see your legs, you’re too fair, come over this way.” She instructed me that my pants were a little inappropriate and I was to stay behind the covered part of the porch and not go where the men could see my fair skin, because as if I didn’t hear it the ten times she said it before I was too fair. She rushed back into the hall.

I slouched over on the covered part of the porch, trying to decide if I felt bad or not. I did, but I was also so disappointed that my hair was in the shade and was no longer getting blonde. I stopped thinking about it and just stood there staring into nothingness - exhausted and bored by my reality.

That is, until I saw the unthinkable happen. There were two cute young boys in the whole retreat (no Julian I wasn’t looking, remember I had my eyes shut 13+ hours a day. But with nothing to do you just analyze everyone, and I noticed these two 25 or 26 year old cute, euro surfer boys). As I was staring into my nothingness I saw one of them appear below walking towards the male sleeping quarters. He had a spring in his step I hadn’t seen before and he looked so happy. I followed him down the trail. He went into the dorms and came out with his backpack on. He must be moving rooms I thought, but why now? Then I saw his friend come out the dorm below with his backpack, straw hat and Nike high tops on. Their smiles were so big. You could hear their conversation faintly from the porch. They were laughing and talking. ‘NO TALKING! Nobel silence boys, noble silence!! They can’t be leaving, are they leaving? They can’t be.’ They marched down to the office. I heard the office manager say, you can’t leave until tomorrow morning and I heard the boys negotiating back. ‘Could they really be leaving? Just like that? Giving up? I know is hard, but the teachers say it can take the full ten days to get a grasp of your mind and quiet it. They said it over and over again. Did the boys not listen? Was it not true? TAKE ME WITH YOU, TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!! You guys look like you are going to have so much fun. Are you going surfing? Are you going to go to a party on the beach? I WANNA GO!! I WANNA GO – CAN I GO WITH YOU PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEE!!’ I watched their every move trying to decide what was happening. They had moved under an awning so I could only see their feet but I stared for hints to what was happening.

‘You can’t leave Heather, go back inside the meditation hall and stop watching this. Go on, stop watching. I know you will never know how it was when they left, you’ll never know if a cab came for them or if they decided to walk the 8 miles back into town or if the manager drove him off the hill himself. Go sit down in the hall. Take your fair legs and go inside.’

I really really didn’t want to go inside, but I dragged myself down into my little mat. I sat down, closed my eyes and started to monkey mind my way through how I would find out what happened and how it felt to just up and leave like that. After three hours of deliberation I decided a missed connection on Craigslist was the best way to connect with them after the course ended. Someone would see it and tell them right? How many surfer boys in the world were at a meditation retreat in Sri Lanka that week – ya know?

That day was sooooooo hard, and it only got harder. Flash forward six hours from then I realized I was sitting in the meditation hall with my shirt undone, bra showing – but that story is for another day. I gotta go meditate before I go to bed. Nite Nite.

I found my Sri Lankan toe double!

Yay!

Day 3 - Meditation Course - Sometimes you can't let your misery make a friend

Meditation = PAINFUL
I used to think of meditation as a peaceful, serene act - where you relax and just Zen out about your life. Ummm – not the kind of meditation the Sri Lankans do. The course I went to is about learning to quiet your mind in spite of everything – even if it is excruciating pain associated with sitting cross legged for 13+ hours a day. But I guess that is what will help you in life right, if you can find the strength to be centered and focused amidst the chaos.

So fine, I went with it, but by day three I was like – there has got to be a hidden camera somewhere because they surely have to be kidding and are just waiting for someone to rebel and freak out and catch it on camera for Bob Saget. I was afraid I was going to be the first. Up at 4am, no dinner, last meal of the day at 11am, no talking, sat eyes shut 13+ hours a day, unbearable pain in my legs…I was about to lose it.

That day at 5pm when we went into the dining hall for tea, I noticed someone else sharing my misery. A Belgium girl that I had talked to briefly before the retreat started. She looked like me, limping around with big black bags under her eyes. When we went to the tea counter to get served there were two choices plain tea or tea with milk. If you were an advanced meditater you had to have the plain tea but if you were a beginner you could have some milk. For me tea time was a big deal and I REALLY looked forward to a cup of tea with milk and felt like the milk made me less hungry. I think the Belgium girl looked forward to it too because when the women started to pour her plain tea, her face dropped in disgust and she said, as if it was a matter of life or death, “Milk tea PLEASE.” The look she gave the lady was chilling, as if she had just attempted to kidnap her child or something.

I felt an uncontrollable wave of giggles coming after she said it and I had to step out of line. I just related to her fragile state on such a serious level. From that day forward a lot of my days became focused on avoiding the Belgium girl – knowing that if our eyes connected and we exchanged misery we would break our vow of “noble silence” and just cry and commiserate together. Made me think about how in some situations in life, when you just need to persevere, you don’t need other people to relate to, you just need to harness the determination you have inside and drudge forward. Maybe it’s kinda like – misery does like company, but in the interest of your happiness, sometimes you just can't let your misery make a friend.

(the dining hall)

Big Difference! HA

My favorite sign at the meditation center - on the door to the meditation cells.

Call it what it really is -- mosquito/lizard/frog/3 inch spider/ant/sticky beetle net!

um - yikes?!

Silent Meditation Retreat - why would I go across the world to sit by myself and not talk for 10 days?!

I guess I should give you a little background on me and what made me want to come half way across the world to go this silent meditation retreat. I guess you could say I am searching for something…inner peace, maybe god, maybe not. Here’s why:

• I talk a mile a minute; I think even faster, I never relax.
• I’m scared of everything - walking in the dark, spiders, murders hiding in my back seat, losing my mind and on and on.
• I have an almost decade long recurring nightmare of people throwing up on me (mostly drunk people, sometimes zombies). It is VERY disturbing.
• I have an uncontrollable desire to be involved in everyone’s business (i.e. I ease drop within a four person radius at all times)
• I am petrified of my parents dying. P-E-T-R-I-F-I-E-D.
• I worry worry worry.
• The second I sit down, I fall asleep and I always wake up rushed and late for something.
• I’m a recovering superstition-a-holic.
• I always feel like I am missing out so I try to do everything.
• I have a hard time forgiving people and I never forget (and I don’t want to be like this).

Nothing paralyzing, but enough to send me searching for some inner peace.

I had done some meditation before. I went to a two day retreat with naked hippies in Big Sur and have spent time at the SF Zen Center with the oh so hip, Malcolm X glasses wearing monks. The Vipassana Center on the hill in Sri Lanka was a world away from these two places.

What you should know about the retreat:
• It was 10 days.
• You couldn’t talk to anyone except the teacher when she checked in with you and you couldn’t look other mediators in the eyes.
• The schedule was 16.5 hours a day and there were only three hour breaks.
• You had to have your eyes shut when you meditated (that’s eyes shut for 13+ hours a DAY?!)
• For three one hour sittings a day you had to sit and couldn’t move, couldn’t straighten your legs, stretch etc. (SOOOO hard!)
• I had my own room (just lucky) but most people were in shared 4-8 people rooms.
• The men and women were divided for meals, housing etc but we all meditated in the same hall, on separate sides.
• Vipassana is based in Buddha’s teachings but people of all religions practice it. It is a meditation technique not a religion.
• Wake up call was 4am and first sitting was 430am.
• There was NO DINNER! Just tea and three cream crackers, or sometimes nilla wafer type cookies. Breakfast was at 630am and lunch was at 11am.
• You couldn’t read or write. (Just you and your brain!)

Day 0 - Silent Meditation Course - Hugging isn’t for everyone

I have received a few great travel tips so far:

• Exchange some money before arriving in the country in case the exchange kiosk is closed at the airport.
• Look in your shoes before putting them on in tropical climates.
• Always write down the address of the place you are staying so if you get lost you can show the cab driver. (thx gma)

I’m going to add one to the list:

• Do not assume that hugging is part of the universal language, opt for a nod and a smile.

When I got to the airport in Sri Lanka a man who works for the meditation center picked me up in a van to drive me three hours to the retreat. His name was Suri, and upon meeting him I could just feel his kindness. Not through his driving because that was the most insane thing I have ever seen, (passing buses on a mountain road into oncoming traffic, horn blaring) but his essence was so comforting. On the ride we talked about everything (some miscommunication intact) – the food in Sri Lanka, my family, my boyfriend, his life in Kandy, his daughters, finding his youngest daughter a husband and on and on and on.

When drove for miles up a steep rocky road and finally we arrived at the center, situated on the tip top of a hill with a view of Sri Lanka countryside for miles and miles in all directions. We got out, Suri leaned up against a railing and waited to talk to the manager and collect his fare from him. There was a large crowd of about 40 or 50 mediators waiting to get their sleeping assignments for the retreat. It was very quiet, people were talking in hushed voices. I was instructed to go to the dining hall to have some lunch and then come back and get my room assignment. I had to say bye to Suri. I smiled and said thank you and that it was so nice to meet him then……went in for the HUG. As I got near I felt his awkward tension as I felt a group of 100 eyes pierce in my back to watch the interaction carry out. No hug in return and just to make it that much more awkward I said in a high pitched voice mid hug – “hug.” Who announces what they are doing as it is happening?!!

I walked away thinking – WHY HEATHER WHY?? Why not just a head nod and a sincere smile. Why giant blond girl attack?!

And that was the moment that I picked up the narrator who stayed with me most of the mediation course. The narrator was an annoying voice in my head who announced everything that was happening to me in a very dramatic way. (Randomly it was the voice of the narrator from the Curious George TV show that I used to watch when I was little).

The narrator’s debut announcement: “Heather Box, giant American, goes in for a hug with the van driver – reception not good. Monks and Nuns watch with questioning looks.”

Hellllllllllloooooooooo (echo echo echo) anyone there?

Whoa!! I'm back from T-E-N days of not talking. Hands down the hardest thing I have ever done -- times 100. I have so many stories for you, but first...presenting the Women of Dhamma Kuta. (photos were taken on the 10th day - can you see the relief and joy?)
Created with flickr slideshow.